Lets back track a little bit to when I was a youngin...
I lost my best friend to a freak accident in the ocean when I was 11 years-old. My best best friend. I spent countless days at his dad's hotel that he owned or his mother's house. We played on the same baseball team and soccer team. His dad was always taking him, his little brother and myself to countless little league games, soccer tournaments, and to destinations that were usually filled with Barry Bonds hitting home runs or our hair (yes I had hair once, a beautiful bowl cut actually) being crazy from stepping off the countless rollercoasters we went on. We even tried to call the President once because we heard we could call anyone if we dialed the operator on the phone. There would be time periods where my dad would call and see if I still wanted to live at home because I was always staying at his house. Basically there was a rare occasion to which we did not spend a weekend or weeknight without each other.
I remember hearing about the accident from a friend I played baseball with at my new school. I even remember where I was sitting in my Spanish class in 8th grade with my desk on the left side of the room with my back to the wall, leaning back on two legs of the chair, and came my friend came over and told me. I didn't expect for it to be real. I just spoke with my best friend a week back and he was going out of town for a basketball tournament in Mendocino, CA. Our time together lessened because I had moved away from Lake Tahoe down to Minden which was only a solid 25 minute drive down the mountain. But we still kept in contact. We both shared many mutual friends from all the sports we played.
When I returned home that day from school I mentioned to my father what I heard. I then called up to my best friend's dad's hotel, The Thunderbird Lodge, that he owned only to have his little brother answer the phone crying and there I knew it was real. My father drove me up to Tahoe that evening to see his brother and his dad and we all sat together crying. I remember everything from the colored furniture to where the front desk was, the vending machine, the TV, the magazines on the glass table by the chairs and his dad in his back office. Everything.
I was heartbroken. I was lost. I was confused. I wanted to know why and how. I couldn't grasp the fact that a person who I spent so much time with and was excited to grow up with could just be gone. That was it. Countless nights I cried until my eyes were so dry and red, it was like I ran out of tears. Countless times my new friends at my new school asked me if I was okay. Countless times I asked my dad how and why did this happen. How could this happen when I was only 11 years old? I thought parents are supposed to pass when they get old, then we pass when we get old. Not my best friend who is my age. That didn't make sense.
To this day, I shoot a free throw the same way I have since the day I attended his funeral and played in my 8th grade school basketball game. I toss the ball out, four dribbles (cause he was number 4 in basketball), I take a deep breath, bend my knees and shoot.
This was real pain. The pain that hurts worse than getting a strawberry on my butt from slide tackling in soccer. Worse than breaking my wrist from snowboarding. Worse than getting beamed with a baseball while standing at the plate. Worse than being knocked out and concussed from ice skating. This pain was in my heart. This pain affected my being. This pain affected the way I would walk through out the rest of my life.
Now fast forward to present tense. Me. Here. Now.
Since the time I lost my best friend till now, I have lost many friends. It is a tough but true statement. All to which hurt me deep inside. To a certain extent I feel numb to it now. I have been strengthen to endure that kind of pain. I have been strengthened to accept that kind of pain. I have been strengthened to grow from that kind of pain. I have been shown how precious life is and grateful for each day that I am able to wake up. Most importantly I have gone through that Valley to help someone else go through their Valley.
Now there has been a new pain. A pain I never made myself available for, because I was a punk immature dude who loved Jack Daniels more than the opportunity to love another person. I was so far wondered off my path and I was like that until almost two years ago. I finally opened up, trusted and loved. For the first time in my life I truly went all in. The best I could. I actually fell in love and told another woman other then my mother, sisters and grandmas that I loved her. Where did all this new pain come from? A relationship break up...
Before I get into any of this I want everyone who reads this to know this. Things happen. Life changes. Life isn't fair. God is a sovereign God. Things happen for a reason. I had a hard time understanding and accepting that but I have. I loved that woman with all of my heart and soul. To this day and on I want only the things that make her happy and the best for her. She will always have her little spot in my heart. There is no sense in trying to tear her down or my life down for reasons that are out of my control. God is in control PERIOD
It may not seem like such a big deal. A relationship break up?
Come on Kyle, your stronger then that.
All of this pain over a girl... A GIRL? Come on Kyle, man up.
There is plenty of fish in the sea Kyle, don't be so caught up over this one.
It is just a break up, dude. Bounce back, its no big deal.
But it was a big deal. The pain and hardship was very very real.
Many have maybe already experienced this kind of pain but for me, It was brand new. Brand spankin' new. There was multiple times where I couldn't figure out why it hurt so bad. It seemed like something so small yet the impact it made on me was life changing. I even thought it shouldn't even matter much because there are worse things that could happen. Yet I was broken the worse I have ever been broken. So it is valid in my story, my journey, my testimony. It is valid in my walk of life. It is valid as being used into shape me into a completely new man. It is valid for me in learning a lesson, gaining the wisdom, and moving forward. It is valid for me to go through this Valley in order to help someone else go through their Valley.
This new pain. A pain that struck me where I have never been struck and beat me up like Ive never been beat up. A new pain to which put me into this whirlwind of emotions, growing, searching, learning and testing of my faith. I want to not get into the factor of my relationship split but more of the broad topic of going through pain and walking through that valley. I only want to share what I experienced, what Ive learned, the wisdom Ive gained, the perseverance I had, and the path I chose to walk. In order to maybe help you get through a Valley in your life.
One of my favorite versus these past few months has been Psalms 23. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I know who is walking me through it. Who is helping me through it. Who is building me through it. That is Jesus. Key word in that verse is WALK. I thought I was setting up camp and living in this valley, then Jesus came along and tore my tent down, picked me up, and walked with me through it.
All my life I had been a "Christian." I was raised in a Christian family. I went to church camp. I went to Sunday school and youth group. I eventually found myself so far wandered off the path that God had to literally break me in order to pick me up and carry me back onto my path. Just as a Shepard does with his sheep if it continually wanders away from the path. Yes, the Shepard literally breaks the sheep's leg so that he, THE SHEPARD, can pick it up and care for it as he heals it and puts it back into his path. Psalms 23 again, The Lord is my Shepard...
My roots were that of a weed in the driveway that could easily be picked up and tossed to the side. I was selfish. I loved for my own fulfillment. God was ONE of my priorities and not THE priority. I loved God but I also loved the desires I wanted. I have seen the great things God has done in my life and I am so grateful that I have learned so much growing up and seeing him at work in my family's lives and my life. This experienced just opened up my eyes even more.
All my healing, all my comfort, all my grief turning to joy has come through him. It's incredible the journey that starts to unfold when you let go and believe in him. This valley was a true big test to my faith. Endless nights crying to where I couldn't breathe because of all the snot that clogged up my nose and telling God that I needed him more then ever. He picked me up. He helped me to only come out stronger and more on fire. It's fascinating. Reshaping the way I think. Rebuilding my heart. Rebuilding my core and foundation to which I was built upon my whole life. Completely rewiring my control center of my mind and my heart.
I can tell you this. As I have worked to overcome this adversity and this pain, my whole life has changed. Everything in me has changed. A major shift in my own continental divide. A paradigm shift of my life. The love I have and joyful feelings have come from him and his word. All the little tiny reminders each day that lets me know he was there helping me. It is actually quite funny looking at the way he worked and works in my life. It's also incredible.
Although even now at times, I still find myself a slave of my own desires. The things that I want, the person that I want. Possibly I will find myself giving into those desires that I know I ultimately do not want and they are not truly who I am. But guess what? I am human. I am not perfect. I am broken. I am a fragment and frail. When having someone next to you for so long and all of a sudden they are gone, its easy to resort to things or some other person to fill that void, to numb that pain. I even at times lost what mattered most while going through that valley. I was alone and thought she was the one that filled that need. When really Jesus is the one that can and did fill that need. Do not be so dependent of another person to complete you. Be completed in Jesus and have that other person add to you just as you add to them. It is easy to give into those temptations and I still find myself wondering how can I continue to resist them. I just know the greatness that is still to come. That is promised. God's best.
God has been doing some intense overtime work in my control center. He has given me hope. He provides me with love and grace everyday. This pain, just a the passing of my best friend, is a pain that was in my heart. It affected my being. It will affect the way I walk through the rest of my life. But I will keep going. It is amazing. I am no longer defined by what I went through, Im defined by the God that carried me through it.
Now you.
We are all human and we will all experience some kind of pain. But in that pain there is a greatness that can be unlocked. Pain is a microphone. How will you respond to your pain? I will tell you that the pain will always remain. You eventually become use to it, like walking with a limp. It is that scar that defines you. I much rather walk to my grave with a limp and scars that define me and built me than walk there knowing I took the easy route and the safe route to which I have no limp, scars, bruises or cuts. You can use your limp to shine some light onto people. You can use the stuff the devil tried to kill you with to bring life to somebody else.
A Valley, is a plane ticket that takes you to go places you wouldn't get to any other way. Suffering and pain is not an obstacle to being used by God. It is an opportunity to be used like never before. I can tell you that with full confidence because I am living proof of it right now. My awareness became clear to callings I didn't think I would actually do. When I listened and followed, it was as if God's wind was at my back. Months later I have been put into position and I am doing what I love and always loved. I finally took my eyes of myself and the only other place they have gone are to the people I am called to reach. Take your eyes off yourself and see what you can do. Do not focus on what you don't have and focus on what you do have and what God can do with it. It is something that could change your life forever.
It's also better to win ugly, than loose pretty. The key is to just keep showing up. Its better to take three steps forward and two steps back. Then to keep taking steps back. Keep going. Keep fighting.
Stay anchored in your beliefs. An anchor is there to keep a ship from all of hell's big waves and storms. God will not let you sink. I promise. You just have to believe and have faith. Be anchored and trust in him and he will set you sail upon waters of endless opportunity and he will be there with you guiding you through those storms and through those valleys.
Also...Pray. Pray. Pray. You were created to breathe just as much as you were created to talk to God. Prayer is powerful! I preach prayer because I see the miracles God does everyday in my life. Prayer is not a specific language you have to speak in order for God to listen. Just talk to him. Go ahead do it right now.
I also want to share three things I worked at doing everyday that got me through that valley. It the darkest of days and at times that were the most difficult I did my best to incorporate these things in my life in order to make it through. Thank you Pastor Carl Lentz!
Staying active.
We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give! I love that. The more you start giving to others the more you will keep moving forward. Two questions you can always ask yourself are: Who am I helping? Who am I serving? If you can't answer either one of those, make a change. Once you do and actively pursue helping and serving others...Your life will instantly change. Your valley will instantly be shorter and next thing you know You are looking above the grey clouds that cover the Valley from the mountain you were placed upon.
Staying connected.
The relationships you have will either make you or break you as you walk through your valley. In the beginning of my valley I stayed in my room tearing myself apart. All I thought about was me. What did I do wrong. Everything I could have done different. Every memory. Everything. My friends who called or I called helped pull me out of that. Talking to them, crying to them. You get a sense of connectivity and presences even when they are not in the room with you. You also see who truly loves you. I realized I needed to put myself and continue putting myself in position to be with people who would help me through my valley. I encourage you to put yourself in that position too. Go to church. Go take a class. Go join a life group. I even loved just walking on the beach being around people I did not know yet somehow a conversation started. Do what you can in order to have people help you get through that valley. EVEN ROCKY NEEDED APOLLO!
Staying focused.
I've been using a hashtag lately of #alwaysonlyJesus. Because really, it's always, only Jesus. Be focused. Run in your lane. Refuse to take your eyes off the promises and greatness of God. Keep moving towards your goals and your dreams. This has been the most difficult thing for me to do. Even though I had hope, hurting with hope still hurts. It is easy to put your focus on the pain that is right in front of you. If you need to cry, just cry. If you need to scream, just scream. But come back to focus. Get up from the small trip up and keep moving forward. Know what you are going through is going to lead you to so many more great things. Life will get better and the pain will always be there but equip yourself to deal with it. Walk with it. I can't tell you enough the great things that are going to come from your pain and great ways God can use you. Don't complain about the pain, without the pain, we couldn't reach the fullness of our destinies. Difficulties are a part of life. Eventually the pain will pass and you will give birth to a new strength. STAY FOCUSED.
My recent Valley was the most difficult time I ever had to walk through. It really did effect my being, my health, my job, my life. It really did rip me apart and it still at times tries to take a jab at me. But it really did build me into a new man. Use what you go through to change your life for the better. Do not set up camp in your valley just keep going. Yes it hurts and yes I cried lots and yes you can cry too but keep failing forward. The progress you will look back at will give you an understanding of how amazingly difficult life is but give you a sense of accomplishment and self achievement. You made it through that time where it was difficult, dark, depressing and now your heart and mind have been sewn together with the stitches of Iron and now healed.
Im here for anyone. We are put on this earth for each other. We were not created to walk through life alone. My email is always open kyleheidt@gmail.com. My phone is always on. I love coffee so I am always up for coffee and conversation as well. Even if you just want to tell me to pray for you, I GOT YOU!
Much love. Thank you for reading.
